Project Web
Our Method: The Projects
The progressions brought us to the academic argumentative essay by way of an introduction to voice, genre, and scholarly research. The projects ask that we continue there yet with greater emphasis on collaboration and a more sophisticated theoretical scope.
The projects include Project Web, Project Space, and Project Text, and each entails critical reading, process work, and group work. The projects also require composing with new media, fieldwork, and class presentations.
Project Web: Project Web asks that you form groups of four and, in conversation with each group member, design individual blogs devoted to a theme suggested by our Stretch reading. Your blogs will be linked, so you will explore multi-media composition individually and as a group. Your group will read and write about technology and social change, immediacy, hyper mediacy and remediation, via the narrative.
Note that your blog can include images, video, and animation that illustrate the content and themes of your particular blog posts. Each blog post will be academic in content. The blog provides you with an alternative space in which to practice writing and revision.
Project Web Requirements: Blog with posts, blog links to group members, use of new visual rhetoric, and essay @1,200 words (hardcopy for review and web version posted on blog).
Narrative Essay
“Writing which tells a story ”
Chapter 11
Writing Assignment:
Select a topic area and write an essay using narration as the paper’s dominant method of development. The Narrative is an opportunity for you to tell a story. Although some writers use the narrative format to relate unusual experiences, most tend to tell tales of love, joy, loss and frustrations. As A storyteller the challenge lies in applying your vision to a common experience and making them unique (in order to capture the reader’s interest). This essay can combine another format to help create your point (i.e. Description). Determine your purpose before beginning to write. Make sure to tell the story from a consistent point of view. As you plan and pre-write think about the scope of the issue; try to identify causal chains. What is the point of view, tense and conflict (internal and external)? All final drafts must be posted on the blog by 5p.m. on the due date.
Planning and Pre writing
Use K.W.L., Mapping, brainstorming or any other prewriting technique to generate narrative details. After examining your raw material identify two or three narrative points (thesis statements) that might focus an essay. Your prewriting should identify the purpose, audience and point of view on the selected subject.
Character Development:
Use a “People Watching” session to start on your character creation. Your characters must be fully developed.
Peer critiques – you must have at least two critique, four blog reviews and one lab review of your essay. Voice/ tone, audience, meaning, evidence, structure, and organization are the areas readers must comment on.
Revisions: Revision is mandatory. Check for vivid details that evoke strong feeling, good sentence structure, paragraph development and overall meaning and structure.
Please post your URL along with the class, date and time that you have this class. In addition please list your readers. I will go to your site. Thank you Deborakh A. Broadous
Sydney Delville: Exchanging Love
ReplyDeleteMon/Wed 9:30am
Four Peer Reviews: Taylor, Jade, Jocelyn, Sabrina
http://sydneydelvillepas114b.blogspot.com/
Sabrina Parisen: Seperated by Accident.
ReplyDeletemon/wed 9:30
Four peers: nina, josie, jade, and sydney
http://sabrinaparisen.blogspot.com
Ife Sangode-Olaitan
ReplyDeleteMW 9:30-10:45
Peer Reviewers: Kattie M., Ronald Johnson, and Naimah Smith
http://ifesangode.blogspot.com/
Shevonna Boyd
ReplyDeletemowe 930
four piers- naimah,michael,taylor,ronald
http://shevonnaboyd.blogspot.com
my bad...sean not ron=)
DeleteYanina Diaz
ReplyDeleteMW 9:30-10:45
Peer Editors: Jocelyn, Sabrina, Sydney, Katie
http://yaninadabroadous.blogspot.com
Jocleyn Mendoza
ReplyDeleteMon/Wed 9:30 am
four peer reviews: Garrett, Sabrina, Sydney, Yanina
http://jocelynmen13.blogspot.com
Kattie Morales: The Proper Task
ReplyDeleteMon/Wed 9:30am
Four Peer Reviewers: Ife, Naimah, Camille, Yanina
http://peacewithinourhearts.blogspot.com/
Taylor Houston: Searching
ReplyDeleteMon/Wed 9:30
Four Peer Reviews: Michael, Sydney, Shevonna, Jade
http://whatTAYsaynow.blogspot.com
Taffy Hui: To Take a Chance In Life
ReplyDeleteMon/Wed 8:00am
Four Peer Reviewers: Divya, Bryanna, Erika Zava, Rayan
http://xaznhippotaffyx.blogspot.com/
Erika Camacho:A Place I Will Hold Forever In My Heart
ReplyDeleteMon/Wed 8:00am
Four Peer Reviews:Breana, Radhika, Divya, Bryana
http://erikacam19.blogspot.com/
Ryan Mayorga:Coach Nelson
ReplyDeleteMon/Wed 8:00am
Four Peer Reviews: Jose, Nekia, Steven, Erika T.
http://ryanmayorgaidkwgo.blogspot.com
Your paper lacked structure and organization. As a reader I was confused, I didn’t understand what was going on. You were all over the place. You had many grammar problems. There was a lot of run on sentences. Your usage of quotes, commas, and semi-colons were incorrect. You didn’t capitalize words that needed capitalization, and you capitalized unnecessary words. You had missing words; you used slang, and your vocabulary was very vague. The tone changed throughout your story. The story was dry there was nothing that made me want to keep reading.
DeleteProof read your paper. You should try explaining how he became addicted to video games, and how he became interested in coaching baseball. You could also make his video game addiction look like something else, and then when his friends find out their happy it’s just video games.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteRadhika Patel: Destiny
ReplyDeleteMon/Wed 8:00a.m.
Four Peer Reviewers: Christina Payne, Divya Pathiya, Erika Camacho, and Monica Diaz
http://radhikapatel92.blogspot.com/
Christina Payne
DeletePeer Crit. #1
I enjoyed reading the story because I felt like I could relate to the arguments of the couple. My boyfriend and I happen to bicker over the smallest things. I felt as if though you needed to re-read some of your sentences to see if they made sense. I was confused on some of the wording you used along with the tense. You did not keep the same tense throughout the whole story. I liked the issue you gave to Armaan because even though he seemed like a perfect guy he had a drinking problem. The way you described the couple was very good. I also enjoyed how at the end of the story they helped each other with the issues they had. There were a few grammar and punctuation errors. In my opinion I would have tried to stay away from so many semi colons and dashes. The story shows no matter how different people are opposites attract. I feel you should have added a bit more on how Armaan and Jiya met though. Also, what made Jiya fall in love with Armaan when she knew he had a drinking problem. Overall it was a very well put together love story.
Christina Payne: Girl Meets Boy
ReplyDeleteMon/Wed 8:00a.m.
Four Peer Reviews: Radhika Patel, Breana Thompson, Monica Diaz, and Bryana Ramirez
http://christinapaynee.blogspot.com
This comment has been removed by the author.
DeleteDivya Pithiya: Struggle
ReplyDeleteMon/Wed 8:00a.m.
Four Peer Reviews: Radhika Patel, Erika Camacho, Nekia Moore, and Taffy Hui
http://dpithiya.blogspot.com/
You should elaborate more on what exactly he did while on drugs that made him for get to pay his rent. Also try to keep the times in line. If he was only on drugs for a month, how did he forget to pay two months’ rent? How did he already know that Josh was his drug dealer, if at first he was only looking to try it? You had a couple of grammar mistakes and run on sentences. You also didn’t use quotes incorrectly. The story was a little dry. Your structure and organization was good. The tone of your story stayed the same throughout your story
DeleteYour story’s narrator shouldn’t have introduced the main character as “my fictional character”. The tone of the story was dry. I think if you add more details on specific things he did while on drugs and how they affected him and his life, it would make your story more effective. Your paper needs a title. You gave a description instead of a story. There was no difference between your prewrite and your rough draft. Your story was also too short; it was supposed to be at least five pages. I couldn’t identify your audience, or the purpose for your story.
Camille Frost: Who Am I?
ReplyDeleteMon/Wed 9:30
Four Peer Reviews: Naimah, Shevonna, Ronald, Kattie
http://themindofalese.blogspot.com/
Erika Tyler :Act like a lady and think like a man
ReplyDeleteMon/wed 8:00 am
four peer reviews: Stephen,Erika,Ryan,Jose
http://readerikasblogrightnow.blogspot.com
This story was a pretty interesting one, one that sounds like it can be an actual true love story and sad story. in overall though this essay was well organized. the story was in line in good detail. there were a few misunderstanding sections in the essay and some incomplete sentences. it had involved many key characters and explained each character and who they were.other than that this was a great story.
DeleteJose Ramos: Easy Come Easy Go
ReplyDeleteMon/Wed 8:00 a.m.
Four Peer Reviews: Ryan Mayorga, Stephen Clark, Jasmine Osuna, and Erika Tyler
http://byob1018.blogspot.com/
After reading thorugh this story i found that it was a well written story. the characters in his story are really detailed each character in the story have like their own personal history about who they are. the only thing is that i would like it to be more specific on some parts. like when it came to the couple argueing it never explained what exactly they were argueing about. and there were certain words that were mispelled and sentences that were incomplete.i like how it also ends in a cliffhanger. overall it was a good story
DeleteBreana Thompson: White and Gold: In Memory of Elizabeth Miranda
ReplyDeleteMon/Wed 8:00am
Four Peers Review: Erika Camacho, Christina Payne, Monica Diaz, Ne'kia Moore
http://breanatthompson.blogspot.com
You had an awesome story. As a reader, you kept me interested and entertained; I even teared up a little bit. The beginning was more of a description and you went from present to past to present. You had a couple of run on sentences, try using commas. For the most part your tone stayed the same throughout your story. You were very organized. Go back and proof read your story you forgot the word “girl” in the first paragraph. “That” is an extra word in the fourth paragraph. Try saying, “Miranda’s health became unbearable, she often had difficulties trying to move on her own.” Instead of saying “Miranda’s health became unbearable that she often had difficulties trying to move on her own.” Instead of saying “as that role model Liz wanted to be for her family,” say “that was the role model Liz wanted to be for her family;”. In the last paragraph rephrase it to say “in memory of Miranda”, instead of “as a memory of Miranda’s death.” I think you should end the story with her mother’s quote. But I loved your paper well done!
DeleteChristina Payne
DeletePeer Crit. #2
I enjoyed reading your story very much. It was very heart warming and emotional. I was confused trying to follow the three different names you gave her though. In my opinion I would try and stick to one name throughout the whole story. There were some run on sentences, and incorrect punctuation errors. I would break up the run on sentences in to two different sentences. Also, capitalization errors like "Emergency Room", and "Heart Failure." Those words do not need to be capitalized. In a few of the sentences you had some extra words. I would try to re-read the sentences and make sure that they make sense. You need to try and keep the same tone throughout the story too. I admired the suspense you had in the story where you said the mom was preparing the daughter for her death; when instead it was the daughter who died. I was thinking that the mother was going to die when it was a shock to see the daughter actually died. It was a very sad story but well put together. The most heart wrenching part to me though was the mother’s last words at her funeral, “I always prepared her for my death, but I never prepared myself for hers.”
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteBryana Ramirez-Macias: The Last Chance To Escape
ReplyDeleteMon/Wed. 8:00am
Four peers review: Jasmine Osuna, Taffy Hui, Rayan, Christina Payne and Erika Camacho.
I enjoyed reading your story very much. It showed how dedicated Alex was to learn how to play the guitar. I like how in the beginning you talk about how her uncle was a big influence on her playing the guitar even when he wasn’t there. There were some run on sentences that need to be fixed. There were not very many punctuation or spelling errors. At the end of the story it was sad to see what happened to her friend though. It was a very well structured and thought out story. I felt as if you needed to describe why exactly the uncle had to go back home. Also what kind of guitar he had bought for her and why he did. The ending was very touching when she saw those final words “Never stop playing.” I like how you left off with a cliff hanger, it makes you want to know what happens next.
Deletecommenter #4: Taffy Hui
DeleteThis story was really well written with good organization and stucture. There were some areas where it was questionable and maybe need to be rewritten such as when the guy in black shot michelle and not Alex. I had to ask you exactly what happened during that time, but if I was not to ask you about your story, I would assume that the strange man just pushed Alex and decided to just shoot Michelle instead of Alex. I know now that Michelle saves Alex by pushing her away and taking the bullet for Alex, so that needs to be explained clearer. You might also want to change the environment at that time becuase I am sure most people don't die out of random reasons like that unless there is some crazy guy that wanted to kill a couple of people before they kill themseleves so they would be in a semi croweded environment. The second big thing that might need to be reweritten is probably the part when they took Michelle away and Alex home. In real life, they would normally take Alex to the paramedics or the hospital to get a check up, so she would have future probelms. At the same moment or right after they would be asking her questions about the murderer and what was going on at the time Michelle got shot. Other than that, the voice of the story was really stirght forward, evidence of the story was just enough, organization and stucture of the story was well done. The cliffhanger was a little bit iffy because it connects to the shooting that might need to be changed and it shows exactly who your audience is.
Jasmine Osuna: What Would You Do?
ReplyDeleteMon/Wed 8:00a.m.
Four Peer review: Bryana Ramirez, Stephen Clark, Jose Ramos, Erika Z, Rayan
http://jassy.osuna.blogspot.com
Ne`kia Moore: Des-tory
ReplyDeleteMon/Wed. 8:00a.m.
Four peer reviews:Monica D., Ryan M., Breana T., Divya P.
http://nekia.blogspot.com
Now this was a story that was amazing. i mean where do i begin. this story was perfertly well organized, it had described many great use of vocabulary. the story also was very vivid making everything written in perfect detail to make the reader feel like you were there. the story was intacked had a good beggining and a cliffhanger for an ending. she had many characters that had been fit the story and it was understandable as to what impact they had in the story. it was a sad story but also a charming one. this story was by far the best story i have read.
DeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeletewww.sonnyxtee.blogspot.com
ReplyDeleteStephen Clark: Challenge My World
ReplyDeleteMon/Wed 8:00 a.m.
Four Peer Review: Erika Tyler, Jose Ramos, Jose Mayorga, Jasmine Osuna
http://maxmcgeejet.blogspot.com
this story was a really good one. this story is something that certain people can actully realate to because it is something that im pretty sure colleges students can go through. it was a pretty touching story.it was a well written essay, i didnt really catch any mistakes, just that in some parts of the essay during the beggining of the essay was to straight to the point i thought that it could have been more specific. a sad story but a good one.
DeleteEricka Sims: Fighting my way Through
ReplyDeleteTues/Thurs 11am
Peer Review: Gaby, Jane, Shayla, & Jenee
http://erickasims.blogspot.com/
After a character speaks you should make another paragraph
Deleteex.
“Hey there Gabe!” Brooke yells across the hall to him. “Hey Brooke,” he replies. “So my last game is this Friday are you going to come?” she asks him excitedly.
(Correct way)
“Hey there Gabe!” Brooke yells across the hall to him.
“Hey Brooke,” he replies.
“So my last game is this Friday are you going to come?” she asks him excitedly.
good with the detail and the details about how his mother died and the father try to blame it at him =)
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteRayan Demikhovskiy: Typsy Turn Over
ReplyDeleteMonday/Wednesday 8:00-9:15
Peer review: taphy,Monica,Brianna, Erica
http://tpisyturnover.blogspot.com/
First thing that comes most into my head is probably spelling errors and missing punctuation marks. Your story is very detailed and well put out, but with the grammar mistakes, spelling errors, and missing punctuation marks, it takes away from the story and leaves the reader not reading your story but saying, "oh, you missed a comma there" and just totally have the story fly right by their heads. Other than that, the story was great. It was a very original idea and a very interesting ending. Not only did the cliffhanger catch me, but pretty much the whole story. I feel the anger and sadness of Sandra which is a good thing because you want your audience to know how the characters are feeling to grab the audience's attention. The evidence backed up all the stuff you have said and that's good. Structure and organization of the story is good. You just need to learn how to give out an error free paper; error free of spelling, punctuation, and grammar. By the way, you have known me for a semester now, you still do not know how to spell my name.
Delete-Taffy Hui (#2 commentor/peer editor)
Ericka Sims: Nameless
ReplyDeleteTues/Thurs 11am
Peer Review: Ericka, Jane, Melissa, &Gabby =)
http://janeramirez93.blogspot.com/
Naimah Smith- Polished Cellos
ReplyDeleteMonday/ Wednesday 9:30
Peer Reviewers: Ife S., Kattie M., Sean J., Shevonna B.
http://naimahsmith.blogspot.com/
Jenniffer Ochoa: Appreciating what you love the most
ReplyDeleteTues/Thurs 11am
Peer Review :Gaby, Ericka, Jane, Victoria
http://jenniffer07.blogspot.com
Melissa Lara:
ReplyDeleteTUES/THURS 11:00
Peer Review: Michelle, Jane, Shayla Jacob
http://oldschoolamor.blogspot.com/
Cindy De la Rosa-Thayer Welswilde's Story
ReplyDeleteTues/Thurs 8am
Peer Review: brenda, yajing, marielle, and alex.
http://cindydlr.blogspot.com
Your story was very descriptive and easy to read. I enjoyed it overall and got my attention throughout the whole story. Good dialogue and powerful adjectives. It made me visualize what was actually happening. Overall I enjoyed it.
DeleteAlex Conway: The Story Behind the Painting
ReplyDeletePAS114B Tues/Thurs 8-9:15 A.M.
Peer Review: Lindsay, Kelsey, Cindy, Juven
http://searchingforonesidentity.blogspot.com
Peer Critique on Alex by Lindsay
DeleteI have read The Story Behind the Painting. The story is well put together. Enjoyed the suspenceful journey of Anya finding her identity. Good use of detail and historical events. The story reminds me of Anistasia. Didn't see many errors.
I like this story so much better now, I have no idea why. The intro flows much better and the ideas get across to the reader much better without rambling. The story itself is very well thought out, however the "adventures" of Anya discovering herself probably could've had more detail. Like using the sense of smell when she was on the ship, maybe?
DeleteOver-all, much better story and I enjoyed reading it!
Kelsey Crone: To the Moon and Back
ReplyDeletePAS 114B Tuesday/Thursday 8-9:15
Peer Reviewers: Alex, Lindsay, Juven, and Justin
http://kelseycrone.blogspot.com/
Peer Critique to Kelsey From Alex Conway:
DeleteI have reviewed To the Moon and Back.
To the Moon and Back is a very good, well thought out story about a man remembering his deceased wife and dealing with internal conflicts as well as conflictions between him and his two sons. Furthermore, there were some grammar errors, but overall great idea. The audience should understand the overall meaning of this story. In my mind I pictured it as a movie or a short mini-series.
Peer Crituque to Kelsey From Lindsay
DeleteI have read To the Moon and Back. I thought the story was well planned out. I like the conflict between the man and his sons about past events. I saw small grammar errors. Overall great story.
Brenda Mendez: An Ultimate
ReplyDeletePAS 114B Tue/Thu 8-9:15
Peer Reviewers: Cindy, Yajing, Juven, and Marielle
http://bcm8913.blogspot.com/
Your story was very interesting. It caught my attention in the beginning. Although I got lost toward the middle of it. Other than that, I thought you had a good storyline and your story was very descriptive which made it more interesting.
DeleteThe first thing I noticed as soon as I started reading was that there is a lot of dialogue making the story more readable and comprehendible to the audience. I take it this story can be read by just about anyone. I do not necessarily see a specific audience in the story. Everyone can understand some of what is happening in the story and they can learn about it as well. I personally also wrote about two people who have schizophrenia and it is quite a shocking thing. I believe that even though my story was a bit graphic to maybe a younger audience, the ending moral and meaning helps others think about life a little bit better. I think you also showed that in your story and I applaud you. Great job
DeleteNorm Jackson:Tenshi
ReplyDeletePAS 113B Tue/Thursday 11-12:15
Peer Review:Michelle,David,Brittany
http://normjackson.blogspot.com/
Michelle Pornsiritara: Time
ReplyDeletePAS 113B Tues/Thurs 11-12:15
Peer Review: Norm,Lucy,Shayla,Melissa
http://michelle-lee-lee.blogspot.com/
Stephanie Lopez
ReplyDeletePAS 113B T/TH 11AM-12:15
Peer Reveiwers: Imelda, Janelly, and Lucy
http://stephlopez0328.blogspot.com/
Overall, I really think like your story. I like your tone. At first it starts out sad because Jaslene Ramos doesn’t have love and her family does not have enough money and she has to work in the bookstore and then at the end she finally finds happiness despite all of her problems and how she ends up with Brandon and goes off to college. Also, it has many details and it gives lots of description. Last, the paragraphs were well organized. Everything flowed together.
DeleteLucy Balian:Time
ReplyDeletePAS 113B Tues/Thurs 11-12:15
Peer review:Gaby,Michelle,Stephanie,Imelda
http://lucybalian.blogspot.com/
I really liked your story. It was detailed perfectly and i could really understand everything you wrote. The structure was good because you have everything where it should be. The organization was good and i was able to tell you put a lot into creating this story. The voice was clear and I think it was really good and was there throughout the whole story. The Audience was good too, i think people will like to read this story no matter the age. The meaning was clear too. I think the only mistakes you had were minor. Other than that I really liked your story. It was very detailed.
DeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteGabriela Meza: Let Down
ReplyDeletePAS 113B Tues/Thurs 11-12:15
Peer Review: Jane, Lucy, Jenniffer, Ericka
http://gabymeza10.blogspot.com/
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteJacob Cabral: The Project
ReplyDeletePAS113B Tuesday/Thursday 11:00am
Peer Reviews: Brittany, Victoria, Sonya, Melissa
http://jacob-cabral.blogspot.com
Janelly Jauregui
ReplyDeletePAS113B Tuesday/Thursday 11:00am
Peer reviews: Stephanie, Imelda, Brittany, Sonya.
http://janellyjauregui.blogspot.com/
Imelda Rodriguez:Apprication In Life
ReplyDeletePAS 113B Tues/Thurs 11-12:15
Peer Review:Stephanie,Janelly,Shayla,Lucy
http://imeldarodriguez4.blogspot.com/
Brittany Schell: Love and Loss
ReplyDeletePAS113B Tuesday/Thursday 11:00AM
Peer Reviews: Sonya, Jacob, Norm, Janelly
http://brittschell.blogspot.com/
Deanna Jones
ReplyDeletePAS 113B Tues/Thurs 11-12:15
Peer review:Sonya Wallace, Victoria, Imelda, Stephanie
http://pas113b.blogspot.com/
I really liked how you had the different characters tell they're story. I think that the audience is very clear that its for young adults. I liked how you organized it because it was different than others stories. I think the only thing that was wrong was the grammar and wording of things. The meaning of this story I feel was to show people about how other people can live and even though this is a fiction things like this can happen. The structure was also good I liked it a lot. The voice was really good because it changed with each character. overall i really enjoyed reading this story.
DeleteLindsay Brown
ReplyDeletePAS 114 B Tues/Thurs 8-9:15
Peer Review: Kelsey, Alex,Zenaida, Juven
http://lindsaybrown143.blogspot.com/
Peer Critique For Lindsay From Alex Conway
DeleteI have read Letters To A Lover.
Over all Letter to a Lover is a good story. It allows the reader to feel Carters questioning and conflicts he goes through when he is sick, like will Avelynn still love him even if he is sick. This story allows its readers to relate to fact that this is what defines true love. Thus, when a couple gets married they recite their vows. One vow asks,will you take this person in sickness and in health.
After re reading this story, it seemed to flow much better. It follows the hardships of Carter very well and idea was more developed. The tone doesn't seem to be set though, and I say this because it's still confusing on who is thinking which thoughts. The organization from event to event was well displayed And the structure of each paragraph is good. Some grammatical errors, but the point does get across.
DeleteI really enjoyed your story. It took me back to thigh school only because this is something I would have chosen to read. I think it was very well organized from the beginning to the end. You had a few grammatical errors but other then that I feel like this was a well written out, thought through story. I have to say though it was extremely “lovey dovey,” only because everything and everyone was happy all thought, other than that I think it was a very well organized story.
DeleteThis story was simply on task the whole way. It was delivered quite well. You begin to read it and it sounds lovely and nice as one might feel when you first have a boyfriend or girlfriend then all of a sudden… BAM! It hits you. This story shows one the deadly enemies we face every day in this world and it explains it in a good thoughtful story. As I saw this story, it did not require too much background information. It followed through great just as it was written. It’s like peaceful and nice and then life happens all of a sudden! Good Job!
DeleteAnna Osuna: The Golden Arche
ReplyDeletePAS 114B Tuesday/Thursday 8-9:15
Peer Reviewers: Juven, Justin, Lindsay, and Marielle
http://annaelisaosuna.blogspot.com
I also forgot to add that another peer reviewing my paper is Yajing Zhang
DeleteI thought your story had a huge improvement from the first draft. It was much better. Although it still did have slight grammar, punctuation and spelling errors. It was also very descriptive. I liked how you used powerful adjectives to describe the setting and characters. The dialogue was also very good because it showed different tones and it was as if I could hear the actual character say it. You put yourself as if you were the character and how they would talk. Overall, good improvement.
Delete"The Golden Arche" is absolutely a great essay! I love the Lauguage in this essay. It is beautiful and emotional. The organization of this essay is very clear, which makes me easy to understand the storyline. One thing I must mention is that the narrator of this essay if the professor, Anna's skillful discription makes this perspective so real! The climax of this essay is the professor found Jeremy's body in the trashcan, this turning point is amazing, which attracts me deeply. To be honest, I didn't realize the theme of this essay was about sexual orientation until this point. Suddenly, I realized that how terrible if people discriminate homosexuality. In short, I love this essay, and want to appeal that everyone should respect others' sexual orientation.
DeleteYour story has progressed incredibly since the last time i read it. YOur story was well told and had a great organizational trait. Although, there were some problems i had that hindered my experience; there were grammatical errors and misplaced words that confused me a bit and caused me to read a few sentences repeatedly. Overall it is a great story but the small things that i noticed, which are discussed in my full review,had taken away from my full experience. The story would have been great. The story being told was good and i felt it is inspiring to everyone.
DeleteJason Suh: Dear Kendrick
ReplyDeletePAS113B Tuesday/Thursday 12:30-1:45pm
Peer Reviews: Hyungbae, Monikke, Stephen, Linda
http://krnxjsuh.blogspot.com/
Hyung Kim: Soul or money
ReplyDeletePAS 133B Tuseday/Thursday 12:30-1:45pm
Peer Reviews: Bobby,Jason,Stephen,Vanessa
http://hyungkim77.blogspot.com/
Stephen Henkin: Southern California Recovery
ReplyDeletePAS113B Tu/Th 12:30-1:45
Peer Review: Jason, Hyungbae, Ashley, Monikke
http://stephen.blogspot.com/
Zenaida Navarro:A New Tomorrow
ReplyDeletePAS 114 B Tues/Thurs 8-9:15
Peer Review:Ana G., Justin B., Lindsey B., Antoinette T.
http://llayasays.blogspot.com/
A New Tomorrow is a great essay that deals with an Alzhiemers patient,Hope. I liked how it stared from her past and ended in the present.It reminded me of The Notebook by Nicholos Sparks. There was good detail but some puctuation and grammar errors. It was organized well and would easily grab the attention of anyone who knows someone with Alzhiemers.
DeleteYour story was nice. The story was done very well and had explained the happenings very well. I did have problems with following when the flashbacks would take place, i covered this problem more in my full review. There was a lack of detail when describing the items that were important. I would have liked more detail and a better way for me to tell when the flashbacks were begining. There were also slight grammar errors. Other than those problems i enjoyed your story.
DeleteZENAIDA, YOUR STROY WAS REALLY CUTE. I THOUGHT THAT YOUR VOICE WAS VERY STRONG THROUGHOUT THE STORY. THUS, YOU SEEMED IN CONTROL OF YOUR STORY THROUGHOUT IT ALL. I THINK THAT YOUR AUDIENCE WOULD BE KEPT INTERESTED. I THINK THAT YOU MIGHTVE DONE A SLIGHTLY BETTER JOB WITH INTRODUCING YOUR FLAHBACKS A LITTLE MORE HOWEVER. I THINK THAT YOUR ORGANIZATION WAS REALLY GOOD BECAUSE THE FLASHBACKS HELPED TELL THE STORY. THERE WERE A FEW GRAMMAR ERRORS BUT OVERALL GREAT JOB!
DeleteVictoria Johnson: "Love In our lives"
ReplyDeleteFour reviewers: Victoria R., Creole, Jasmine and Sunshine
PAS 113B 12:30pm-1:45pm
http://victoriaspasblog.blogspot.com/
Myee Tillis: "Peace"
ReplyDeleteFour Reviews: Ashley, Monikke, Creole, Vanessa
http://emilyloveee.blogspot.com/
I forgot!!! PAS 113B Tues/ Thurs. 12:30-1:45
DeleteJustin Boyd: "Memory"
ReplyDeletePAS 114b Tues/Thurs 8:00-9:15
Four Reviews: Kelsey Crone, Ana Gonzalez, Zanaida Navarro, Antoinette Trahan
http://kneets.blogspot.com/
The story "Memory" is a very powerful one, and personally, it hit home with me, since my Opa suffered from Alzheimer's. The story flows very nicely and the idea is very well thought out. In the beginning, I did get confused at times as to who was talking though. The voice is powerful, yet it seems soft, which in this case works for the author, instead of against him.
DeleteJUSTIN, I THOUGHT YOUR STORY WAS FULL OF LOVE. I LIKE HOW YOU DESCRIBED THE KISSES THAT THEY GAVE EACH OTHER. YOU HAVE A VERY STRONG VOICE THAT MAKES THE READER FEEL THE LOVE BETWEEN THIS FAMILY. I THINK THAT ALZHEIMER IS A SERIOUS DISEASE AND IM GLAD YOU WROTE ABOUT IT. I THOUGHT YOUR STRUCTURE WAS GOOD BECAUSE IT LED THE READER JUST FOLLOW THROUGHT. THE ORGANIZATION OF THE STORY WAS ALSO GOOD. GOOD JOB!
DeleteShayla Brown: The Truth Hurts
ReplyDeletePAS113B Tuesday/Thursday 11:00AM
Peer Reviews: Sonya,Imelda, Michelle, Melissa
http://shaylabrown1693.blogspot.com/
Roberto Zambrano: The Act of Banksy
ReplyDeletePAS 113B Tues/Thurs 12:30-1:45
Peer Reviews. Monikke, Vanessa, Carmen, Amanda
http://iambobbyvalentino.blogspot.com/
Yajing Zhang:When Love First Came to China
ReplyDeletePAS 114B Tuesday/Thursday 8AM-9:15AM
Peer critique:Cindy Delarosa, Brenda Mendez, Anna Osuna, Ana Gonzalez
http://yajing-yajing.blogspot.com/
I thought your story was excellent. I loved the topic that you chose to write one because it was not your typical love story and it was comical which is what kept my attention. I loved your ending the punch line saying, “"Anyhow, there are four of you- just right for a nice game of mahjong." This was the perfect ending. The only problem I found in your essay was the structure, some of the words did not flow well together and you had few grammar errors but those can be easily corrected! The organization of your story was well thought out and the sequence of your story hung well. For only being a few pages long I have to say the story was not at all summarized, it was well detailed and did not leave out any important events. I really did enjoy your story I thought it was cute and taught the audience if you are greedy in the end you will end up with nothing.
DeleteYAJING, I THOUGHT YOUR STORY WAS VERY INTERESTING. IT WAS A LITTLE FUNNY AND I LIKE THAT. I AGREE WITH ANA THAT SAYS THAT THE STRUCTURE MIGHT BE A LITTLE OFF. I THINK THAT YOU DEFINETLEY HAD A GOOD AIM THAT CAPTIVATED YOUR AUDIENCE. I THINK THAT THERE WERE A FEW GRAMMAR ERRORS BUT OVERALL I LIKED THE STORY.
DeleteMarielle Ordono: The Company of Guilt
ReplyDeletePAS 114B Tues/Thurs 8 - 9:15 AM
Peer Critques: Cindy De La Rosa, Anna Osuna, Brenda Mendez, Juven Maldonado
http://ordonomarielle.blogspot.com/
I thought the theme of your essay was overall great! It could of been more straight to the point at times and you may have chosen different events to represent this girls struggle with the death of her sister but other then that it had a good deep meaning that anyone could relate too. I enjoyed it I loved the ending it was very meaningful and clever!
DeleteAshley GIbson :A piece of them
ReplyDeletePAS 133B tues/thurs 12:30-1:45
Peer Critques : Myee, Steven, SU young, creole
http://agibson93.blogspot.com/
Juven Maldonado: One Day at a Time
ReplyDeletePAS 114B Tues/Thurs 8-9:15 AM
Peer Critiques: Anna Osuna, Marielle Ordono, Brenda Mendez,Zenaida Navarro
http://juvenmaldonado.blogspot.com/
This story was really different from all the rest mostly because it did not have as much dialogue and it was more of a summary. I feel like this character was nothing really spontaneous about him but then again it was part of his character so it could have been part of his voice. I think this is most definitely aimed for an older more mature audience because this man has a set job and also he has schizophrenia. I really feel like what made this story sound like it had some really good evidence was the fact that you gave a real on date. The only thing that was missing completely was the complete background on this person. I am not even sure if his name was mentioned or if anything about his character was really said. I was a bit confused on what exactly was the meaning of this story only because I don’t really know where you are going with this only because the ending is a bit confusing. Well there I believe it can be a little better only because this story is more of a run-on. Its like you are leading up to a climax but the climax never really comes so I just feel like it needs a complication.
DeleteANA GONZALEZ
ReplyDeletePAS 114B
8:00am-9:15am
peer reviews:zenaida, justin, yajing, ainttonette
What a wonderful essay! I think it is good enough to be a script of a Hollywood movie. The storyline is attractive, I have been touched in many parts of this essay. I love the language of this essay! It is very elegant and meticulous. I noticed that this essay had a lot of detail descriptions. It made me really step into the scene of this story. It is very pleased to read this essay!
DeleteVictoria Roper; Concrete Rose PAS113B Tuesdays and Thursday 11:00-12:15 Deanna Jones and Lucy Balian http://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=811797286776709466#allposts
ReplyDeleteJasmin Leon: Never Let Go
ReplyDeletePAS 113B Tues/Thurs 12:30-1:45 PM
Peer Reviewers: Amanda R., Monikke O., Victoria J., Victoria R.
http://jazzy225.blogspot.com/
Sunshine Decosta-Chatman: The Pretty Girl I Only Knew
ReplyDeletePAS113B T/TH 12:30-1:45pm
Peer Critique Victoria Johnson, Victoria Alexander
Respond Story to Ashley Gibson, Linda Hernandez
http://sunshinedecosta.blogspot.com
Carmen Bonilla: Hopeless love
ReplyDeletePeer critic- Vanessa and bobby
comments- Victoria and linda
http://carmen-bonilla.blogspot.com/
Vanessa Favela: The Stranger
ReplyDeletePAS 113B T/TH 12:30-1:45PM
Peer Critique: Carmen & Bobby
Response Story to Linda & Emily
http://vanessafavela.blogspot.com/
Victoria Ruiz: First Love/ First Cousin
ReplyDeletePAS 113 B T/TH 12:30- 1:45 pm
Peer Critique: Victoria Johnson, Victoria Alexander, Amanda Rosales, Jasmin Leon
http://victoriaspasblog.blogspot.com/
Sue Won- Welcome to the Pink Masquerade
ReplyDeletePAS 113 B t th 12:30
peer critique: sunshine creol
http://xtommjowx.blogspot.com/
creole green:I NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD FIND LOVE PAS 113B T-Th 12:30-145 peer readers : Myee&Sue Reader response:Victoria&Ashley
ReplyDeleteLinda Hernandez: "Living Twice"
ReplyDeletePAS 113B T/THT 12:30-1:45PM
PEER CRITIQUE: JSUH,SUNSHINE,CARMEN,VANESSA
http://lindahdz.blogspot.com/
Monikke Orocio: "Nymphos, Drugs, and Strugglea, Oh My!"
ReplyDeletePAS 113B Tues/Thurs 12:30pm
Peer Reviewers: Linda, Roberto, Stephen, Emily
http://monikkebombay.blogspot.com
Hannah Won
ReplyDeletePAS 113B
11-1215pm
peer reviews: Brittney, Jacob, Michelle, Lucy
http://hannahw0n.blogspot.com
Rayan Demikhovskiy
ReplyDeleteto:taphy Hui
Comment #1
This story touched my heart, I love how it was based around our school and around what csun has to offer. the most interesting part in the story was the inner conflict the boy is facing with himself. also the conflict he is facing on impressing his parents. the only issue I had with this was that it was to much in first person so it sounded like you were talking about yourself untill I actually read that it was a boy. the story needed to give out more detials that he was indeed a boy as well as description on the boy. This is becuase when you speak about someone you want to add an image of the boy himself rather then the scenery around him. For example instead of using so much of what he was doing describe whats around him what he is wearing or describe Cypress Hall. My favorite part was that the boy loves music and wants to persue something he loves rather then something that makes a lot of money. you have great grammar and amazing puncuation.
Rayan Demikhovskiy
ReplyDeleteto: Erika
Comment # 2
I loved the story. when I was reading it I atually felt like I was in the the story. I loved how you used a lot of metaphors and examples. my favorite part of the story is that its around the same group era as us. yes it is high school but it isnt to far away from us. What I advise you to do is use bigger words and replace them from the smaller words. when you use bigger vocabulary the story can be enphsized more. in general though you have a talent in imagery, every part of the story I saw what happen and visualized the conflict and all the rising and falling actions. what was funny is that its exactly what high school and everything else you said is true. I love real life drama as in real people problems incorporated in stories. The last thing I advise is grammar I know I dont have the best grammar as well as puncuation but just work on it a little.
Rayan Demikhovskiy
ReplyDeleteto: Brianna
Comment# 3
Just like the other two comments I fell in love with your story. It had perfect structure and it was very well written. In this story I actually felt like I was there. Not only that but I love how you used very good imagry with the character. For example how you completely described the main character in full detail, becuase of that I got to really get in depth wit the main characters issues and conflicts. the only issue I had was there were to many charcters at one time and it wasnt clear on who said what and who actually said it. I also think that you only described the main charcter in full depth but not as much as the other ones.Its important to give a clear mental image of whats going on and where its happenen rather then just a place. I agree with the first reader the cliffhanger was a little to fast and could be worked on a littl. Lastly give a stronger connection with the shooter and the conflict around that as well as a very good image of the shooting.
Rayan Demikhovskiy
ReplyDeleteto: Monica
Comment # 4
I really liked this story for many reasons. The first is that you gave a clear mental image of who everyone is and what their purpose in the story was. I love your imagery the way you described every place and time. Its hard to make sence when you go back in time and then do the preset as well as future but you made it work and I was in tune with every part of the flashbacks. what needed to be worked on was when a character is speaking name who is talking becuase when you use "he" or "she a lot you lose the sence of whats really going on due to trying to figure out whos talking. my favorite part was your ending it was happy and well put it wasnt left off with a bad ending. in general you are very creative and know how to write a well written story.
PAS114b mon-wed 9:30
ReplyDeleteproject web
vmartin24.blogspot.com
peer reviews:ruby, garrett, michael
PAs 114B mon-wed 9:30
ReplyDeleteproject web
ernesto-benitez.blogspot.com
peer reviews: Kattie, Ronald, Jocelyn
Erika Zavaleta : Fate
ReplyDeletePAS 113 B Mon/Wed 8:00am
http://zavaerika7.blogspot.com/
peer reviews: Taffy, Rayan D, Erika T, Jasmin
Jade DeVaugh: Love in Disguise
ReplyDeletePAS 114B Mon/Wed 8:00a
http://smileyface30.blogspot.com
peer reviews: Taylor, Sydney,Jocelyn, Sabrina
Rayan Demikhovskiy: "The War on Poverty", for project space
ReplyDeletePan African Studies 113B Mon/Wed (8:00-9:15)
http://waronpoverty27.blogspot.com/
Peer Reviews: Erika, Taffy, Erika T, Breanna
Ryan Mayorga: Poverty in America
ReplyDeletePAS 113B Mon/Wed 8:00-9:15
http://irdhanyclue.blogspot.com
Peer Reviews: Jasmine, Taffy
Ne`kia Moore: Why are people homeless?
ReplyDeletePAS 113B Mon/Wed 8:00-9:15
http://nekia.blogspot.com
Peer reviews by: Breana T., Christina P., Monica, Taffy H.
Justin Boyd: The Untouchables
ReplyDeletePAS 114b tues/Thur 8:00-9:15
http://kneets.blogspot.com/
Peer reviews by: Anna O, Kelsey C. Lindsay B. and Zenaida (llaya)
Brittany Schell: Poverty in American Families
ReplyDeletePAS 113B Tues/Thurs 11AM
http://brittschell.blogspot.com
Peer Reviews: Hannah Won and Jacob Cabral
Melissa Lara: The Ghost of Our Country
ReplyDeletePAS 113B Tues/Thurs 11AM
http://oldschoolamor.blogspot.com
Peer Reviews: Erika and Jane
The Ghosts of Our Country
DeleteAnna Osuna: Future Generations
ReplyDeletePAS114B Tuesday and Thursday 8am
http://annaelisaosuna.blogspot.com/
Peer Critiques: Justin, Anna, Yajiang, Juevn
Zenaida Navarro: Challenges Homeless face with Space
ReplyDeletePAS114B Tuesday and Thursday 8am
http://llayasays.blogster.com/
Peer Critiques: Justin B., Ana G., Lindsey, Kelsey
Peer Critique from Amanda R. and Jasmine L.
ReplyDeleteResponds for Bobby and Carmen
PAS113B T/TH 12:30-1:45PM
http://sunshinedecosta.blogspot.com
Peer Critique: Bobby and Carmen.
ReplyDeleteRespond:Jason and Hyung Kim.
PAS 113B T/TH 12:30-1:45PM
http://vanessafavela.blogspot.com/
Jacob Cabral: Stuck In a Hard Place: A Life in Poverty
ReplyDeletePAS113B Tues/Thurs 11:00am
http://jacob-cabral.blogspot.com
Peer Reviews: Brittany Schell & Hannah Won
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteJane Ramirez: no where to be found
ReplyDeletePAS113B Tues/Thurs 11:00am
http://janeramirez93.blogspot.com/
Ericka Sims: Throw Away People
ReplyDeletePAS 113B Tues/Thurs
http://erickasims.blogspot.com/
Peer Reviews: Shayla & Jennee
Juven Maldonado: Throw Away People
ReplyDeletePAS 114B Tuesday and Thursday
http://juvenmaldonado.blogspot.com/
Peer Critiques: Anna, Brenda, Mary, and Zenaida
Camille Frost
ReplyDeletePAS 114B Monday & Wednesday
http://camillealese.blogspot.com/
Peer Reviews: Shevonna & Sean
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteBryana Ramirez-Macias
ReplyDeletePAS 113B Mon./Wed. 8:00-9:15 am
Project Text
Peer Review: Taffy Hui, Erika Camacho, Christina Payne, and Rayan D.
http://breezem18.blogspot.com/
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteBreana Thompson
ReplyDeletePAS 113B Mon/Wed 8:00am-9:15am
Project Text
Peer Review: Monica Diaz, Christina Payne, Ne'kia Moore, Radhika Patel
http://thompsonbree.blogspot.com/
Jenniffer ochoa
ReplyDeletePAS 113B Tues/Thurs 11:00/12:30
Project Text
Peer Review :Michelle, Ericka Sims
http://jenniffer07.blogspot.com/
Juven Maldonado
ReplyDeletePAS 114B Tues/Thurs 8:00-9:15
Project Text
Peer Reviews: Anna Osuna, Brenda Mendez, Mary Orielle, Zenaida Navarro
http://juvenmaldonado.blogspot.com/
I think you have a good thesis but I think that you are lacking context in your introduction. You need to put more information on Ralph Ellison and his background. You have really good evidence though so that really makes your essay sound good. I thin you should work a little more on staying on topic. Also your tone you need more voice in your essay. Other than that it was pretty well organized and written.
DeleteVanessa Favela
ReplyDeletePAS 113B Tues/Thurs 12:30-1:45
Project Text
Peer Reviews: Carmen, Linda, Sunshine and Creole
http://vanessafavela.blogspot.com/
Jasmin Leon
ReplyDeletePAS 113B T-TH 12:30
Peer Reviews: Carmen, Linda
http://jazzy225.blogspot.com/
Linda Hernandez
ReplyDeletePAS 113B Tues/Thurs 12:30-1:45
Project Text
Peer Review:Victoria J., Vanessa F., Carmen B., Jasmin L.,Myee.
http://lindahdz.blogspot.com/
Gabriela Meza
ReplyDeletePAS 113B Tues/Thurs 11-12:15
Project Text
Peer Critic Melissa, Lucy
http://gabymeza10.blogspot.com/
Melissa Lara
ReplyDeletePAS 113B Tues/Thurs 11-12:15
Project Text
Peer Critic: Gabriela, Jane
oldschoolamor.blogspot.com